Category: Counselling & Psychotherapy

Coaching or Counselling?

September 5, 2024

If you’re not sure if it’s coaching or counselling/psychotherapy you need you are likely asking yourself – what is the difference?

A brief and simplistic answer is:

  • Counselling focuses on the past and sometimes the present, holding a supportive space whilst the client works through and comes to terms with whatever it is they have experienced or are currently experiencing.
  • Coaching focuses on the present and the future which generally involves setting goals, finding solutions and determining action to be taken.

“… put very simply, I place coaching at one end of a continuum, as forward facing, positive and goal focused, and counselling and therapy at the other end, as reparative and dealing with deep, underlying issues.”
Keren Smedley ~ taken from BACP Journal, Therapy Today, March 2014

There are a huge variety of counselling, psychotherapy and coaching approaches, modalities and theories along with a diverse range of practitioners who will bring their own unique experiences of life, personal and professional development, beliefs and neuroses (we all have them!), thus making it hard to categorise their service into either coaching or counselling/psychotherapy.

It is also confused by the industry itself. The short-term solution-focused counselling and psychotherapy EAP* work I undertake require the setting of goals and monitoring of achievement and improvement.

*Employee Assistance Programmes – agencies that work as an intermediary between an employer/organisation and freelance counsellors/psychotherapists.

There are a lot of counsellors out there who use coaching skills in their work and there are a lot of coaches out there who use counselling skills in their work.

Where does this leave you? It is always useful to know, from the outset, what it is you are wanting to achieve by seeking out either a counsellor or coach. Even if, like me, your counsellor is also a coach, it is important to determine what the focus of the work will be that you do together. If I am coaching someone I am working differently – I am more directive and mindful of what is wanting to be achieved and supporting the client in removing the obstacles that are preventing them from achieving their desired outcome. If I’m counselling the pace tends to be slower and in keeping with the client’s own natural, inherent process.

And just to either confuse the situation more or provide greater clarity here are a couple of examples, from my own practice, where there has been overlap:

  • Someone may be going through a period of depression, and whilst it is important to give that person the time, space and relationship they need to express this and feel this, there may come a time when they will begin to feel ready to take action to help themselves further. For me, the key is in the timing. I strive to totally accept a person wherever they are at. And if that is walking with them awhile whilst they appear to be staying in the same place, that is what I will do. Because there will come a time when that person is ready to begin to do something different – but until they are ready it won’t work. When they’re ready, they’ll be more focus on the present and actions to take for their future.
  • Someone may be all fired up and come for coaching to help them get fit and healthy. Whilst working on their chosen goals we will begin to identify the obstacles to their progress, some of which might be past issues that they never made the connection to before. Therefore, some of the sessions may be exploring and healing the past so it becomes less or even no issue in the present and future.

Change – more examples to highlight if it’s coaching or counselling you need…

  • Sometimes change is thrust upon us and life becomes too difficult to bear. The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, ill health, accidents – counselling can support you through these difficult times and help you find a level of peace and acceptance to then begin to find a way to move forward in life.
  • Sometimes we seek change out. We know what we want to do but are overwhelmed with what’s to come, or don’t know where to start, or know we need to change something but not sure what or how. Coaching can help here.

As both a counsellor/psychotherapist and coach I decided to keep my rates for these services the same because there is so much overlap, especially in the way that I work. You will find a lot of coaches charge a considerably larger amount of money for coaching – sometimes this is because it’s specialist coaching, such as executive or leadership coaching, or relative to the client’s industry, sometimes it’s because they are an expert in a certain area, and sometimes it’s just because they can!

I have a wealth of skills, knowledge, techniques and experience in both counselling, psychotherapy and coaching, as well as in business, training, personal development and so on. What I want to emphasise is that at the heart of my practice is you, the client, and what you might need in the beginning might not be what you need further on.

So instead of asking yourself do I need coaching or counselling, ask yourself: Do I want to change? Do I want to help myself? Do I want to heal? Do I want my life to be better than this? Do I want someone to talk to? Do I want someone to be with me during this difficult time of my life? Do I want someone to help me achieve my goals? Do I want someone to help me work out what my goals actually are?

One of the reasons I offer a free initial meeting of 15 minutes is to help you gain some clarity on which service might be best for you if you’re not sure. Whichever you decide upon you will get the full benefit of what I bring to my work but we’ll both be clear on what it is you’re needing right now and that will be the focus of the work. And always remember – we all have the right to change our minds!

Holding Space

August 30, 2022

What is it, and how can you offer it to someone, or have a held space for yourself?

To hold space for someone is to provide a metaphorical container for them in which they can explore, think, reflect, process and possibly resolve an issue or problem without judgement, interference and another’s agenda. It is both an environment provided – the space, and a relationship – providing your presence and full attention.

And it’s harder than you think. Can you be with someone and not allow your own thoughts, opinions, issues, triggers, answers, psycho-analysis and even wisdom invade the space and influence the person who is sharing?

Can you listen solely to what is being shared without thinking about what you want to say? Can you listen to understand rather than to react or respond?

Can you relay back to the other person what you have heard to ascertain if you have understood them correctly? This can be one of the most valuable and healing experiences an individual can be a recipient of – being heard and understood.

Safe space?

Holding space should always be safe space. However, the other person may at times not feel safe if they are sharing something in which they feel vulnerable. Therefore, it is vital that there is an agreement for the holding of space, including trust, confidentiality, warmth, no judgement, no abuse of any kind, and that what is said is not taken personally by the person holding the space.

This is why, even with the best intentions, our partner, family members, friends, colleagues and neighbours may not be the best person to hold space for us. It can be very hard to talk openly and freely if you are worried about what the other person will think, how they may perceive you, how they will react and so on.

Furthermore, it can be very hard for the space holder to not dive in and rescue the other person or give solutions. Just because you’ve had a similar experience does not mean it’s the same for them, both the experience and the solution. It’s absolutely okay to share what you did once you’ve held the space – but share it as an offering, not as a definitive answer or solution. It might help to remember that when we attempt to rescue it can be disempowering for the other person and rob them of the opportunity to navigate the experience themselves and gain valuable insights. Being a space holder can feel like being a sounding board.

Intention

It all comes down to what you would like space to be held for. For example, sharing your day at work with your partner may be incredibly useful in relieving stress and increasing feelings of connection and emotional intimacy. It can be helpful for both parties to identify and agree beforehand if you are needing to just share, or share and have an alternative perspective and solutions offered (at the time or maybe later). Some people may want solutions whereas others just need to offload.

Likewise, it can be helpful to share with a friend, colleague, or family member concerns you have with your partner. However, if they never liked your partner, it will be difficult for them remain unbiased. This brings up an interesting point – do you want them to agree with you or do you want them to hold the space so you can work through your own thoughts and feelings about the situation?

What is your motive for having someone hold space for you? Can you communicate this to the other person?

As the space holder – can you hold another’s truth or belief contrary to your own?

Can you hold the space for what I like to call an ‘inappropriate rant’.

Inappropriate rant

Quite often we think things that we know are not our truth, are totally rude, un ‘PC’ and so on – things we would never dream of saying aloud but they are there, running through our mind, unwelcomed. They may be attached to a strong feeling we’re having and it’s all just a muddled chaotic mess in our head. Having a held space with someone you trust to not take offence or judge you can be deeply freeing, healing and helpful. A good inappropriate rant can get it all out, all of it, the good the bad and the very ugly. Once it’s all out often, along with a sense of relief, there can be great clarity on what is really going on for you. For me, this is the gold that we find behind the dirt.

Holding space for yourself

This process, the inappropriate rant, can work just as well using journaling if it feels too risky to share with another. Write it all out, uncensored, forget about spelling, grammar and punctuation, just go for it. Once you feel spent, leave it alone for a while. Return to it when you’re in a different head space and, with loving compassion for yourself, extract the gold – the wisdom, the lesson, the insight. You can delete, burn, shred, compost what you wrote afterwards, which can be a beautiful healing ceremony in itself.

Journalling can be used for less controversial stuff too!

Listening, Focus & Silences

If you are holding space for another it is all about them, not you. Even if what they are saying triggers you or reminds you of something that could be useful or relevant, keep the focus on them and park your stuff. You don’t have to agree with them or fix them. You can always share later and maybe ask for a held space for yourself. The key is to hold the space for the time they need to feel heard and maybe address their reason for needing to share with you.

For couples especially it can be useful to put a time limit on it – say 10 minutes. A person can share a lot in 10 minutes if not interrupted. And honour the silences – they are not an opportunity to jump in with your sharing or solution. The silence can be the place the speaker finds their own answer or insight. Deeply empowering and more gold.

Even if you feel unable to comprehend what is going on for the other person you can share that you are attempting to understand and if agreed, ask questions. Or the other person may just be satisfied that you listened and gave them space – there’s no need for you to get it.

It takes energy

As the space holder you need to check in with yourself if you are capable of holding the space. It’s okay to say no. You may feel too tired, too distracted, conscious of time, feeling your own feelings and so on. To hold the best space for another you have to feel centred and grounded within yourself so you can be steady for the other person to fall apart if they need to without you collapsing with them or spilling out your own stuff.

Therapeutic held space

A large part of therapy is offering a professional held space. It is time-bound, boundaried, confidential and cultivates a non-judgemental environment with no agenda apart from what the client wishes to address. This type of held space, alongside the skill, knowledge and experience of the therapist enables deeper processing for the client.

There are varying levels of what we might want space to be held for. The purpose of this article was to look at it in the context of everyday life and relating. However, not everyone has someone who can hold space for what it is they need to explore. Or they may be reluctant to burden another. Or they may feel their shame, fears, trauma, and so on too much for another to hear or bear. This is when seeking a counsellor or psychotherapist can be the better option.

When we are in the midst of working through our dark stuff – our shadow aspects – we need both the held space and the therapeutic support.

“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed – to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.” Parker J Palmer, The Gift of Presence and the Perils of Advice

What is the difference between counselling and psychotherapy?

March 13, 2017

From the perspective of how I work the answer is ‘nothing’ and there are many therapists who practice both but chose to label the work they do with either ‘counselling or ‘psychotherapy’, depending on personal preference.

The labels are often used interchangeably and there is a lot of overlap between the two if you explore each of them in more depth.

There is much debate in the industry about what the differences are ranging from counselling being a briefer form of therapy and psychotherapy longer-term, to a psychotherapist requiring more training and experience than a counsellor. There is also a public perception that psychotherapy feels more clinical than counselling.

There are so many factors that make a counsellor or psychotherapist unique in their own practice that are beyond these labels – their training, experience, expertise, own life experiences, personality, theoretical approaches and models they use, on-going personal and professional development. What is most important is how you feel and what you think about your therapist and whether you feel able to work with them, to share your concerns, feelings and vulnerabilities.