“I feel we all have a unique essence within us that is itching to emerge and find its expression — and I think an individual is truly ‘successful’ in life to the degree they have made space for that presence to shine through.”
Andre Duqum
https://www.instagram.com/p/C_gDvFbvA5D/?igsh=OTBtcXFlNDd2dG1x
If you’re not sure if it’s coaching or counselling/psychotherapy you need you are likely asking yourself – what is the difference?
A brief and simplistic answer is:
“… put very simply, I place coaching at one end of a continuum, as forward facing, positive and goal focused, and counselling and therapy at the other end, as reparative and dealing with deep, underlying issues.”
Keren Smedley ~ taken from BACP Journal, Therapy Today, March 2014
There are a huge variety of counselling, psychotherapy and coaching approaches, modalities and theories along with a diverse range of practitioners who will bring their own unique experiences of life, personal and professional development, beliefs and neuroses (we all have them!), thus making it hard to categorise their service into either coaching or counselling/psychotherapy.
It is also confused by the industry itself. The short-term solution-focused counselling and psychotherapy EAP* work I undertake require the setting of goals and monitoring of achievement and improvement.
*Employee Assistance Programmes – agencies that work as an intermediary between an employer/organisation and freelance counsellors/psychotherapists.
There are a lot of counsellors out there who use coaching skills in their work and there are a lot of coaches out there who use counselling skills in their work.
Where does this leave you? It is always useful to know, from the outset, what it is you are wanting to achieve by seeking out either a counsellor or coach. Even if, like me, your counsellor is also a coach, it is important to determine what the focus of the work will be that you do together. If I am coaching someone I am working differently – I am more directive and mindful of what is wanting to be achieved and supporting the client in removing the obstacles that are preventing them from achieving their desired outcome. If I’m counselling the pace tends to be slower and in keeping with the client’s own natural, inherent process.
And just to either confuse the situation more or provide greater clarity here are a couple of examples, from my own practice, where there has been overlap:
Change – more examples to highlight if it’s coaching or counselling you need…
As both a counsellor/psychotherapist and coach I decided to keep my rates for these services the same because there is so much overlap, especially in the way that I work. You will find a lot of coaches charge a considerably larger amount of money for coaching – sometimes this is because it’s specialist coaching, such as executive or leadership coaching, or relative to the client’s industry, sometimes it’s because they are an expert in a certain area, and sometimes it’s just because they can!
I have a wealth of skills, knowledge, techniques and experience in both counselling, psychotherapy and coaching, as well as in business, training, personal development and so on. What I want to emphasise is that at the heart of my practice is you, the client, and what you might need in the beginning might not be what you need further on.
So instead of asking yourself do I need coaching or counselling, ask yourself: Do I want to change? Do I want to help myself? Do I want to heal? Do I want my life to be better than this? Do I want someone to talk to? Do I want someone to be with me during this difficult time of my life? Do I want someone to help me achieve my goals? Do I want someone to help me work out what my goals actually are?
One of the reasons I offer a free initial meeting of 15 minutes is to help you gain some clarity on which service might be best for you if you’re not sure. Whichever you decide upon you will get the full benefit of what I bring to my work but we’ll both be clear on what it is you’re needing right now and that will be the focus of the work. And always remember – we all have the right to change our minds!
“One of the most loving, intimate gifts you can offer someone is your presence. You. Fully present in your time together (in person or in communication). In your words. In your responses. In your emotions and affection. Multitasking is celebrated in a toxic, rushed, anxious, task-based culture. It can also send a signal: I don’t care enough about you to give you my full attention. Being half-present can be more harmful than being momentarily absent. Relationships heal and thrive on presence. Create a sacred culture in your life. Give the gift of being present.”
Jaiya John ~ freedom worker, poet, author, teacher, and speaker
https://jaiyajohn.com/
An investment banker stood at the pier of a coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large fish. The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The fisherman replied, “only a little while.”
The banker then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The banker then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, relax with my wife and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life.”
The banker scoffed. “I have a business degree and can help you,” he said. “You should spend more time fishing, and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middle-man, you could sell directly to the processor, eventually opening up your own cannery. You could control the product, processing, and distribution,” he said. “Of course, you would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to the city, then to the capital city where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
To which the banker replied, “Oh, 15 to 20 years or so.”
“But what then?” asked the fisherman.
The banker laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time was right, you would sell your company and become very rich. You would make millions!”
“Millions – then what?”
The banker said, “Then you could retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, relax with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your friends.”
Adapted from The Parable of the Mexican Fisherman and Investment Banker, original author unknown, I’d read years ago and found again at this website https://aliabdaal.com/the-parable-of-the-mexican-fisherman/
Before you read any further maybe take a moment and consider what your initial reaction was to the parable.
Here are my musings…
What strikes me first from the above parable is the fisherman saying ‘I have a full and busy life’. Full for me as in fulfilment – he feels fulfilled; he’s not wanting for anything else. He has enough to live his life and enjoy the experiences and relationships he has in his life.
Note how the banker doesn’t hear any of this. He just sees an opportunity to make money. His values are different. There is nothing wrong with making money and being an entrepreneur if that is what fulfils you and brings you happiness. But what the banker is doing is imposing his own ideals onto the fisherman.
I then realised that I’d assumed the fisherman was quite happy with the life he had. Yet he doesn’t actually say this. The investment banker assumes the fisherman is not happy perhaps? Both of us making assumptions. In hindsight the banker could have asked the fisherman this before he offered an alternative lifestyle based on his own expertise.
Then there’s the word ‘busy’. A mode of being that some people wear like a badge of honour associating it with being productive, important, useful… or as a tactic for avoiding something, someone, or even yourself.
Busy can easily be perceived as fulfilment, but what is your life filled with? Is what you want in there?
‘He had enough to support his family’s needs’ ~ I love this. He had enough.
There’s an implication of ‘trust’ in this. No need to stock up on fish, there will still be fish there tomorrow, especially as the fisherman only took what he needed. This reminds me of one of the three maxims inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi (associated with The Oracle of Delphi) ~ nothing in excess. The other two being ‘know thyself’ and ‘certainty brings insanity’…
The following famous quote also comes to mind:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Maimonides (Moses ben Maimon) philosopher and scholar
Shifting the focus onto the banker I would ask ~ Why do we end load our ‘reward’? Ie, wait for retirement?
What are we really striving for? Yes there are basic needs we have in life – food, water, warmth, shelter, a place of safety, love and connection. Yes, sometimes we have to do a job we don’t like to get the funds to pay for this and I’m all for making ends meet. What I am pondering is what do you do with the time that you have left over from ensuring your basic level of comfort and those that are dependent on you.
This is not about having lofty goals or ideas. Maybe it’s just to love and feel loved. To enjoy the simple pleasures in life.
The following quote is taken from Rumi’s longer offering titled ‘A Great Wagon’. It’s directed the foundation of my practice. To meet you where you are and to connect with the essence of who you are, beyond the judgements, conditioning and so forth that attempt to govern our lives ~ whether they be external or internal. Whilst there are obvious actions we can agree are universally wrong, this is essentially about dropping all of our pretences, masks, burdens and fears for awhile, and just be present with what is, in ourselves and in each other.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase
‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.”
The poem continues with the following which is equally powerful for me. An invitation to be brave, to keep awakening to yourself, to cross the many thresholds life presents us with, to keep going.
“The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”
Extracts from ‘A Great Wagon’ by Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi ~ poet, scholar, theologian, Sufi mystic
What is it, and how can you offer it to someone, or have a held space for yourself?
To hold space for someone is to provide a metaphorical container for them in which they can explore, think, reflect, process and possibly resolve an issue or problem without judgement, interference and another’s agenda. It is both an environment provided – the space, and a relationship – providing your presence and full attention.
And it’s harder than you think. Can you be with someone and not allow your own thoughts, opinions, issues, triggers, answers, psycho-analysis and even wisdom invade the space and influence the person who is sharing?
Can you listen solely to what is being shared without thinking about what you want to say? Can you listen to understand rather than to react or respond?
Can you relay back to the other person what you have heard to ascertain if you have understood them correctly? This can be one of the most valuable and healing experiences an individual can be a recipient of – being heard and understood.
Safe space?
Holding space should always be safe space. However, the other person may at times not feel safe if they are sharing something in which they feel vulnerable. Therefore, it is vital that there is an agreement for the holding of space, including trust, confidentiality, warmth, no judgement, no abuse of any kind, and that what is said is not taken personally by the person holding the space.
This is why, even with the best intentions, our partner, family members, friends, colleagues and neighbours may not be the best person to hold space for us. It can be very hard to talk openly and freely if you are worried about what the other person will think, how they may perceive you, how they will react and so on.
Furthermore, it can be very hard for the space holder to not dive in and rescue the other person or give solutions. Just because you’ve had a similar experience does not mean it’s the same for them, both the experience and the solution. It’s absolutely okay to share what you did once you’ve held the space – but share it as an offering, not as a definitive answer or solution. It might help to remember that when we attempt to rescue it can be disempowering for the other person and rob them of the opportunity to navigate the experience themselves and gain valuable insights. Being a space holder can feel like being a sounding board.
Intention
It all comes down to what you would like space to be held for. For example, sharing your day at work with your partner may be incredibly useful in relieving stress and increasing feelings of connection and emotional intimacy. It can be helpful for both parties to identify and agree beforehand if you are needing to just share, or share and have an alternative perspective and solutions offered (at the time or maybe later). Some people may want solutions whereas others just need to offload.
Likewise, it can be helpful to share with a friend, colleague, or family member concerns you have with your partner. However, if they never liked your partner, it will be difficult for them remain unbiased. This brings up an interesting point – do you want them to agree with you or do you want them to hold the space so you can work through your own thoughts and feelings about the situation?
What is your motive for having someone hold space for you? Can you communicate this to the other person?
As the space holder – can you hold another’s truth or belief contrary to your own?
Can you hold the space for what I like to call an ‘inappropriate rant’.
Inappropriate rant
Quite often we think things that we know are not our truth, are totally rude, un ‘PC’ and so on – things we would never dream of saying aloud but they are there, running through our mind, unwelcomed. They may be attached to a strong feeling we’re having and it’s all just a muddled chaotic mess in our head. Having a held space with someone you trust to not take offence or judge you can be deeply freeing, healing and helpful. A good inappropriate rant can get it all out, all of it, the good the bad and the very ugly. Once it’s all out often, along with a sense of relief, there can be great clarity on what is really going on for you. For me, this is the gold that we find behind the dirt.
Holding space for yourself
This process, the inappropriate rant, can work just as well using journaling if it feels too risky to share with another. Write it all out, uncensored, forget about spelling, grammar and punctuation, just go for it. Once you feel spent, leave it alone for a while. Return to it when you’re in a different head space and, with loving compassion for yourself, extract the gold – the wisdom, the lesson, the insight. You can delete, burn, shred, compost what you wrote afterwards, which can be a beautiful healing ceremony in itself.
Journalling can be used for less controversial stuff too!
Listening, Focus & Silences
If you are holding space for another it is all about them, not you. Even if what they are saying triggers you or reminds you of something that could be useful or relevant, keep the focus on them and park your stuff. You don’t have to agree with them or fix them. You can always share later and maybe ask for a held space for yourself. The key is to hold the space for the time they need to feel heard and maybe address their reason for needing to share with you.
For couples especially it can be useful to put a time limit on it – say 10 minutes. A person can share a lot in 10 minutes if not interrupted. And honour the silences – they are not an opportunity to jump in with your sharing or solution. The silence can be the place the speaker finds their own answer or insight. Deeply empowering and more gold.
Even if you feel unable to comprehend what is going on for the other person you can share that you are attempting to understand and if agreed, ask questions. Or the other person may just be satisfied that you listened and gave them space – there’s no need for you to get it.
It takes energy
As the space holder you need to check in with yourself if you are capable of holding the space. It’s okay to say no. You may feel too tired, too distracted, conscious of time, feeling your own feelings and so on. To hold the best space for another you have to feel centred and grounded within yourself so you can be steady for the other person to fall apart if they need to without you collapsing with them or spilling out your own stuff.
Therapeutic held space
A large part of therapy is offering a professional held space. It is time-bound, boundaried, confidential and cultivates a non-judgemental environment with no agenda apart from what the client wishes to address. This type of held space, alongside the skill, knowledge and experience of the therapist enables deeper processing for the client.
There are varying levels of what we might want space to be held for. The purpose of this article was to look at it in the context of everyday life and relating. However, not everyone has someone who can hold space for what it is they need to explore. Or they may be reluctant to burden another. Or they may feel their shame, fears, trauma, and so on too much for another to hear or bear. This is when seeking a counsellor or psychotherapist can be the better option.
When we are in the midst of working through our dark stuff – our shadow aspects – we need both the held space and the therapeutic support.
“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed – to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.” Parker J Palmer, The Gift of Presence and the Perils of Advice
From the perspective of how I work the answer is ‘nothing’ and there are many therapists who practice both but chose to label the work they do with either ‘counselling or ‘psychotherapy’, depending on personal preference.
The labels are often used interchangeably and there is a lot of overlap between the two if you explore each of them in more depth.
There is much debate in the industry about what the differences are ranging from counselling being a briefer form of therapy and psychotherapy longer-term, to a psychotherapist requiring more training and experience than a counsellor. There is also a public perception that psychotherapy feels more clinical than counselling.
There are so many factors that make a counsellor or psychotherapist unique in their own practice that are beyond these labels – their training, experience, expertise, own life experiences, personality, theoretical approaches and models they use, on-going personal and professional development. What is most important is how you feel and what you think about your therapist and whether you feel able to work with them, to share your concerns, feelings and vulnerabilities.